


If I Could Tell Her

by wendlaswound



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/F, First Love, i may continue this, idrk, its great, john and maria are friends, valentines day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-22 08:03:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9594848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendlaswound/pseuds/wendlaswound
Summary: Maria Reynolds has been in love with Eliza Schuyler since they were in second grade and Eliza was the lead in their school’s Christmas pageant.That was ten years ago, and Maria’s feelings have changed very little.Early Valentine's Fic, may or may not be continued. We'll see.





	1. And I Don't Know How I Would Even Start

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. Title from Dear Evan Hansen, because I've been having soooo many feelings. Idk if I'll get around to finishing this before Valentine's Day, but it /should/ be a two-parter. Maybe. Unless I really like it or something.
> 
> Follow my Tumblr revolutionarywarlock to send a request or follow my updates and stuff.

Maria Reynolds has been in love with Eliza Schuyler since they were in second grade and Eliza was the lead in their school’s Christmas pageant. Maria had been fixated on how delicately Eliza set her glittering halo on her lovely dark hair that she’d almost missed her cue.

That was ten years ago, and Maria’s feelings have changed very little.

            Senior year was already over half way over, and Maria had not once even hinted to Eliza how she felt. She never mentioned how Eliza’s laugh was the most beautiful sound she had ever heard, hadn’t told her how much she admired her kindness, her liveliness, her _loveliness._ She never insinuated that she sometimes fantasized of them walking together in the December snow, hand in hand, not paying attention to any of the passerby because they were only looking at each other. And whenever she tried to imagine Eliza’s hand in hers, her mind could never completely formulate the feeling, and her daydreams fizzled out into hazy reality where Eliza was always on the other side of the class room.

            She hated it. Anything she imagined filled her with such bliss and dread that she was worn out every day, her mind too busy with thoughts of what-could-be’s. But it had been ten years of this. Maria was a veteran in the war of unrequited love.

            Probably unrequited, anyway.

            But she was running out of time if she was ever really going to do it, make her move.

            Maria glanced at Eliza, answering Prof’s question in flawless French. Maria buried her head in her arms.

            She didn’t know what she was going to do.

           

            The only person who knew about her crush on Eliza was John Laurens, Maria’s only close friend that still went to school with her. They’d been friends pretty much since sophomore year, when they both would stay late after school for art club, then stay even later after it was done.

            That probably wasn’t the best situation, since John was now dating Alexander Hamilton, Eliza’s ex-boyfriend as of last summer. Alex and Eliza were still really close, which made Maria moderately envious, but not nearly as jealous as she’d been when they were dating. That was another one of the reasons John and Maria had gotten along: their mutual desire for “it” couple to break up and be with them.

            The thing was, once they did break up, John had had the guts to ask Alex out to homecoming, and Maria stayed home in sweatpants, angrily scrolling through all of Eliza, John, and Alex’s cute pictures on Facebook.

            “That’s what you should do!” John exclaimed as Maria was complaining to him. As he said it, he flung his paintbrush onto the floor, a long streak of blue across the white tile. “Whoops,” he sighed and bent to pick it up.

            “What do you mean?” Maria asked, both wanting to rant some more and wanting to keep it out of her mind.

            “You should ask her to the Valentine’s Day dance.”

            “What?!” Maria almost ruined her painting with a shocked streak across the canvas, but she caught herself. She was well practiced with keeping her cool when it came to Eliza.

            “You heard me,” John told her, then groaned as he got up from cleaning the paint off the floor. “Just do it. At worst, she says no. At best… well, look at me and Alex.”

            John had a point, but Maria wouldn’t give it to him.

            “And if she says no? That’s ten years of my life, my energy, a huge space in my heart, completely wasted.”

            “Wow, okay, _one_ , that may have been the most dramatically whiney and hopeless thing I have ever heard you say. Chill out. And _two,_ you could never ask her, never find out, and either waste the rest of your life in the same state you’re in now, or move on having never found out.

            “ _Or_ , you could take this small opportunity of potential happiness, and run with it.”

            Maria swallowed, all the possibilities he’d just mentioned weighing around in her head. They terrified her. All of them.

            “What if she doesn’t even like girls?”

            “Well, I can’t say she was ever super crazy about Alex just because he was a dude.”

            “What do you mean?”

            John sat down, giving up on focusing on painting while having this conversation. “I don’t know, just like, he said that they were really close friends before they started going out. He was the one to ask her out first, and she always seemed more polite than, I don’t know, _into_ their relationship. Who knows, maybe she’s aromantic. But, still, it really can’t hurt to ask. It’s not like she’ll turn you down cruelly if she does.”

            Maria nodded absently, letting this knowledge soak into her jittery mind. “I guess.”

            “Hey,” John said, standing up and setting his hands on her shoulders. “No matter what, _I_ love you. You’re a great person. You don’t need anyone else to tell you that. This is going to be a good experience for you, no matter what.”

            “I’m sort of a terribly messed-up person.”

            “That’s what makes you great.”

            “I’ve never asked anyone out before.”

            “That’s why it’s going to be a good experience. Look, it’s going to be fine.”

            “But will it?”

            “You can do it.”

            “But can I?”

            “Yes, you can.”

            Maria sighed. “If my heart breaks, will you be there to pick up the pieces?”

            “Always. I’ll mend it with Cheetos and bad televised crime dramas.”

            “Perfect. Who needs a relationship when you can have that?”

            “No one. Though don’t tell Alexander I said that. He gets mad when I say I love snack foods more than him.”

            “Understandable, though.”

            “Yeah.” John pulled away from her, and glanced at her painting. Though it was nowhere near finished, it was obviously Eliza’s dim silhouette, faded into a blue background. John sighed.

            “You really do have a problem, don’t you?”

            Maria shrunk back and closed her eyes. “Yeah.”

 

            It was a week and a half until the Valentine’s Day dance, and Maria had no plans to ask Eliza out.

            Though she really, _really,_ wanted to.

            John badgered her about it constantly, and somehow it must have leaked to Alexander, because whenever Maria was with them and Eliza walked by he winked, as if saying “Your turn.”

            Maria wanted to be mad at John for that, but she really couldn’t. Only because she was being completely irrational about the whole thing.

Eliza and her had nearly all the same classes, their lockers were in the same section of the hall, they had known each other for practically their whole lives. It wouldn’t be hard to find a time to ask, and it wasn’t like she had to give a speech. It would be so _easy._

            And that was what Maria was scared of.

            Easy to do.

            Easier for it to all come crashing down.

            She spent a whole week debating it in her head, and still came to no concrete conclusion.

            And there was only two days left until the dance.

            Once again, Maria and John were alone in the art room, but not painting today. Today they stuck with pencils and sketchbooks, as they had to leave for play practice in an hour or so. John barely talked to her, which was unsettling. Alexander was usually the chatty one of the two of them, but John could _definitely_ be worse. Maria had experienced it herself.

            “How’s it going?” Maria asked tentatively. It seemed to snap John out of his thoughts, and he shrugged.

            “The usual. Have you asked Eliza out yet?”

            “Nope.”

            He laughed lightly, but tried to cover it.

            “What?”

            “Nothing.”

            “John, what did you do?” Maria was properly panicked.

            “Nothing!” he shrieked defensively, and then looked down at the floor, embarrassed or guilty, Maria couldn’t tell, but she was scared either way. John, sighed, rubbed his face. “Okay, well, I guess I should tell you before she gets here-“

            “Hi, John!” Eliza chirped from the doorway.

            Maria’s heart stopped.

            Eliza noticed her, then, after Maria slowly turned around to look at her. “Oh, hi, Maria.”

            “Hi,” Maria said softly.

            “John, are you ready?” Eliza asked, and Maria was now anxious, angry, and confused. The look she shot John said as much.

            “Dou!” John said, slapping his forehead. Maria frowned, easily noticing that he was acting. “I forgot some stuff in my locker. Wait here for me?”

            “Yep.”

            “Awesome.” John didn’t even close up his sketchbook before he practically ran out the door, shooting Maria a wink before he was gone.

            Thankfully, the awkward silence didn’t last very long, which was probably the only good thing about the situation.

            “How do you think you did on the French quiz?” Eliza asked her as she sat across from Maria in John’s vacated seat.

            Maria inconspicuously covered the sketch of Eliza’s eyes she had started before she arrived. She focused on not stuttering as she replied. “Pretty well, I think. I’d hope, with all the studying I did.”

            “What did you get for nineteen?” Eliza asked eagerly.

            “Uh… 1942, I think?”

            “Ah, crap. I put 1943.”

            Maria couldn’t help but feel a bit smug. It probably wasn’t the best thing to feel, but it eased her nerves, so it was helpful, nevertheless. “I’m sure you did good on the rest.”

            “I hope. I’m barely hanging onto an A as is.”

            “Really? Prof loves you, though.”

            Eliza laughed, and Maria almost melted, but the tone of it kept her together. “Sure, but that just means she grades me harder. It’s fine though, I don’t mind the challenge.”

            Maria had nothing to say (though she had _so much_ to say) in response. It was fine, though. Eliza was a politician’s daughter, trained in small talk.

            “Do you and John come here often?” she asked curiously.

            Maria couldn’t help but laugh.

            And then she realized the opportunity John had given her. What she had been avoiding all week was right in front of her. John had set her up. Eliza had no reason to be there, and if she was picking John up or whatever, there was no reason for it.

            She wanted to curse him and kiss him at the same time.

            John knew that Maria could do anything once she was forced to.

            And now he had done it.

            Maria spent one moment too long looking at Eliza while realizing this, but the other girl didn’t seem to notice or mind.

            Still, Maria was troubled when she went to talk. “A-oh, a couple times a week, I guess. I don’t really do a whole lot outside of this.”

            “That’s cool, though. Have you guys been friends awhile?”

            “Two years.”

            “Wow. I bet you work well together.”

            Maria hadn’t expected that. “We do, actually,” she told Eliza thoughtfully.

            And then she remembered what she had to do.

            Maria took in a quick breath.

            “Eliza-“ she couldn’t believe she’d said her name out loud.

            “Yes?” Eliza said, a small smile on her face.

            “Are you doing anything this weekend?”

            Eliza sighed and thought for a moment. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s been a bit of a week. Part of me wants to sleep, part of me wants to stay up until two every night and actually get some stuff accomplished.”

            It wasn’t exactly the response Maria could have used, but she laughed lightly anyway.

            _Okay, girl, just do it. JUST DO IT._

            “Well,” Maria started, amazed at how composed she sounded. “I was just wondering, that if you wanted to go out, if you wanted to go to the Valentine’s Dance with me.”

            “Oh,” Eliza said, and Maria started to get nervous.

            “It can be casual, I was just wondering. I’ll buy you dinner, and I can pick you up-“

            “Oh, no, that sounds great. I was just surprised. But yeah, that sounds great.”

            Maria couldn’t tell if she was breathing or not. “Okay.”

            Eliza smiled brightly, with her whole face. Maria was definitely not breathing. “Okay.”

            Maria didn’t know how long John had been standing in the doorway, but he was grinning.

            Eliza started to stand. “Hey, are you ready-“

            “Change of plans,” John told her. “Alex and I are going to grab a bite and then we’ll be back for play rehearsal tonight.”

            “Oh,” Eliza pouted, though she didn’t seem sad. “Okay.”

            John jogged over and scooped up his sketch book, then saluted them as he went out the door. “Bye, Maria, bye ‘Liza.”

            “Bye, John,” the girls said together.

            Eliza pointed to the doorway where John just was. “Do you know what that was about?”

            Maria shook her head, pokerfaced. “Not a clue.”

            Eliza sighed. “Well, I have to be here to pick up my sister from volleyball practice in a half hour, anyway. Mind if I wait with you?”

            Maria shook her head, smiling. “No, not at all.”


	2. Tell Her Everything I See

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the dance. yep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (almost) Valentine's Day! I hope this fic gives you the courage to talk to your crush or tell your friends that you love them or SOMETHING. That's what this is all about, guys.  
> I've also been listening to the Dear Evan Hansen Cast Recording for days on repeat now, hence the title of this fic and the chapters and all that. You should really listen to it, too. I'll hopefully have some fics for that done soon, too.  
> I love you guys.  
> (Follow my tumblr: revolutionarywarlock for lot's of DEH ranting and fic updates.)

            Maria Reynolds had asked her to the Valentine’s Day Dance.

            Eliza hadn’t been expecting it, that much was for sure. And she hadn’t expected to feel so eager, so anxious about it.

            Before Eliza picked up Peggy and before Maria went to play practice, they strolled around the school together, talking amiably, and Eliza was still having trouble digesting their conversation.

            Now, Eliza herself had never had anyone describe a conversation as spectacular, and had never done so herself, but that pretty much covered it. And it wasn’t like they had gotten into anything particularly deep, wasn’t like her life was now forever altered because of it.

            (Or maybe it was?)

            But she had never felt more comfortable or at ease talking with someone, maybe ever.

            Eliza didn’t know what she was feeling, why she was feeling it, or what it meant. And it was driving her _crazy._

            She glanced at the clock on her wall and sighed. She had left school (and Maria) only an hour ago.

            She didn’t know what to do with herself.

 

            “I’m so proud of you,” John ran up to her and squeezed her into a tight hug the second she walked into the choir room with a huge grin plastered across her face.

            Maria could only giggle, breathless.

            “How did it go? What did she say, _exactly_? But whatever happened, I’m proud of you,” John assured her excitedly, sitting her down and staring at her with huge, eager eyes, waiting impatiently for a response.

            “Well-“

            “Hey, what’s going on in here?” Alex interrupted in a fake thick New York accent. John glanced over and immediately started laughing, and only when Maria turned her head did she see why.

            Alex legitimately looked insane, which was good, because he was playing a serial killer. But his bright pink t-shirt and stylishly ripped jeans, and the giant bow in his hair made all the dark make-up futile.

            He sighed, “Theo got me good, didn’t she?”

            “Oh, yeah,” John laughed. Alex sighed again and plopped himself down next to Maria.

            “Good thing this isn’t actually my costume.”

            “At least you don’t have to wear a hoop skirt like I do,” Maria told him pointedly.

            “Very true. But I wish John had tried out and had to wear one instead.”

            “Oh, he still might,” Maria murmured to Alex, but still loud enough that John could hear. “He _is_ my understudy.”

            John had just recovered from his laughter, but he snorted and glared at her. “No, thank you. I will stick with my lovely, make-up-less, hoop-skirt-less, stage-frightened, good-for-nothing walkie-talkie bearing stage crew, thank you very much.”

            “Okay, then,” Maria and Alex said in unison and laughed.

            “Now shut up!” John shouted in a mocking version of his stage-manager voice. “Before you so _rudely interrupted_ us,” he reached behind her and swatted at Alex, who dodged it. “Maria was spilling all the juicy bits of her blossoming love life.”

            “Oh my god, no,” Maria told him, though she smiled. “Never say juicy bits again. Or blossoming love life, for that matter.”

            After a moment of thought, Alex gasped. “OH MY GOD. DID YOU ASK HER OUT? OH MY GOSH, YESSS!”

            “Calm down and let me talk!” Maria shouted. Remarkably, the room went silent.

            “Alright,” she began calmly, forcing her dumb smile away. “I asked Eliza out,” there was a big intake of breath from Alex, “and she said yes.”

            Maria was promptly bombarded with hugs and loud shrieking. Her grin split straight across her face and she laughed, a bit woozy as saying it out loud made it that much more real.

            John leaned over and whapped Alex again. “Shut up! I want to hear the details.” They stared at her eagerly.

            “Ha, um, that’s pretty much it.”

            “Like hell it is,” Alex cried unjustly. “We want the deats, and we want them now!”

“There’s nothing to say! John left and I asked and she said yes, and we talked and that was it.”

            “The goofy look on your face says otherwise,” John crossed his arms smugly.

            “Uh, huh,” Alex did the same, standing next to John so there were two sets of judgmental eyes on her.

            “Ugh, just leave me alone!” she demanded dramatically, but dissolved into giggly laughter. John and Alex followed suit.

            “Okay, okay,” John slung his arm around her after they’d settled down. “But I am very proud of you and excited for you.”

            “Me, too,” Alex smiled. Maria turned to him.

            “Isn’t it going to be weird, or, I guess, already is? Me, going out with your ex?”

            He snorted, “Eliza and I broke up almost a year ago.”

            “Seven months,” John cut in. “Barely half a year.”

            Alex ignored him. “I mean,  I was sort of in love with her-“

            “Ahem.”

            “Like a year before I asked her out for the first time. And when we were dating, I guess she seemed happy, but, she always does. The two of us together, we couldn’t really do much more than scratch the surface of a relationship. I don’t know. I could tell that she didn’t love me the way I loved her. That’s why I called it off.”

            “Wait, I thought it was mutual,” Maria waited to be corrected.

            “That’s what we told everyone, and it pretty much was, but I initiated it.”

            “Huh,” Maria let that information hover a bit before she absorbed it.

            John was pouting, not looking at Alex.

            Alex noticed quickly. “And now I’m with John Laurens. I love John Laurens! You love John Laurens! Everyone loves John Laurens!” Alex hugged John from behind, who was now blushing like he had a sunburn. “But you can’t have him. He’s mine.” With that, Alex gave John a big kiss on the cheek, leaving a big splotch of stage make-up behind. He left them to get into costume, whistling all the while he went. John rubbed his face, still bright red.

            “Aw,” Maria commented.

            “Shut up,” John grumbled, but he was smiling like it was the first day of spring.

 

 

            Apparently, Eliza’s day was to be full of surprises.

            After a quick supper of chicken wings and pizza rolls (Peggy’s request, but Eliza could hardly refuse) she laid out all of her textbooks on her bed and began her nightly homework routine. She sighed, reaching for her AP Sociology book, but dropped it once her phone buzzed.

            **Angelica:** I’m stopping by, wait up for me

            **You:** When?

            **Angelica:** Now. OPEN THE DOOR

            Eliza groaned, but took the steps to the front door two at a time.

            **You:** Don’t you have a key?! she texted quickly before reaching the first floor.

            Angelica looked properly ticked off, gripping her phone and scowling with a fearsome ferocity.

            “I’ve been waiting for like ten minutes,” she complained, her arms flailing as she stomped inside.

            “You texted me a minute ago,” Eliza countered, frustrated with her elder sister already, and she hadn’t even been home long enough to start arguing about the way Eliza had turned the door handle to let her in. It was always _something_ with Angelica.

            Eliza studied her for a moment as she shucked off her coat. “Why didn’t you use the doorbell?”

            Angelica turned to her slowly and glared at her like she was being an idiot, which was really just Angelica’s way of realizing that _she_ was being an idiot, but didn’t want to admit it.

            Instead, she took off her agitation with her mittens and smiled pleasantly as she took off up the stairs, Eliza following half a beat behind, still unsure of the purpose of this visit.

            Angelica went straight for Eliza’s room, and Eliza wanted to protest but couldn’t. It _had_ been Angelica’s room before she graduated last year, and she didn’t stay over often enough to claim a guest room of her own.

            “So, what brings me the pleasure of this spontaneous – but always welcomed – visit?” Eliza inquired as Angelica studied the room.

            “Just wanted to stop in, see how things were going,” she answered lightly. “I hate that picture, right there. You have serious interior designing short-comings.”

            “Okay, then,” Eliza said, knowing that that wasn’t really it, bracing herself for the real reason.

            Angelica turned to her, seeming finished subjecting herself to the horrid sight of Eliza decorating style. “So, tell me how things are, or I’ll never leave,” she fell onto Eliza’s bed dramatically, grabbing a pillow to cuddled with as she tucked her knees under her chin.

            “Um, okay,” Eliza eased herself down on the bed, moving her textbooks away to keep Angelica from crushing them. “Well, I mean, my finals went well. I still have all As and I was thinking about joining-“

            “For the love of my left boob, tell me about Maria already!” Angelica shrieked. Eliza could hear Peggy cackle in the next room.

            “Uh, what-“

            “Alex called me! Were you going to keep it a secret?!”

            “I hadn’t realized it was… or that it was a big deal. Why did Alex call you, and what did he say, exactly?”

            “He said that you got asked out by a pretty girl and you were going to a dance with her.”

            Eliza had no idea what was going on in her sister’s mind at the moment, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

            “Uh, huh.”

            Angelica waited, looking more perturbed as the seconds passed. “Oh my god! Why aren’t you screaming? Or crying? Or something?!”

            “Whoa, what?”

            “You had a crush on this girl for nearly two years! And now she asked you out-“

            “Whoa!” Eliza shouted to stop Angelica from going on and digging up even more of her somewhat-forgotten childhood past. “Okay, first of all, I _never_ had a crush on her. What are you even talking about? We’ve never even really been friends. And second…” she paused, thinking. It was a mistake to glance at her sister, who was grinning smugly. “It was seventh grade!” she cried defensively.

            “Yes, but it was still the longest crush you’ve ever had-“

            “It was not a crush!”

            Angelica snorted and sat up so she met Eliza’s eyes. “There is no shame in having a crush on a seriously gorgeous girl you’ve known practically your whole life.”

            Eliza was sputtering, her face went hot. “But… I’m not gay!”

            Angelica cocked her head, raised an eyebrow, and burst out laughing.

            “What?!” Eliza shouted, trying to break through Angelica’s hysteria.

            Angelica clutched her stomach, but managed to get the words out. “Sister dearest, I hate to break it to you, but you are attracted to women.”

            “Well, of course I am, to an extent, I mean, I _am_ one…” both were silent, knowing how weak Eliza’s defense was. “Okay, but, I dated Alex for almost two years.”

            “That means _nothing._ Did that boy ever make you swoon when he walked into a room?”

            Eliza was silent.

            “Did you ever feel a tingling in your toes when he took your hand? Did you ever think ‘hot damn’ when he took his shirt off or had his hair done _just right_ , or wore some nice pants?”

            Not a word. Angelica smiled, knowing she had got her, but she still went on. “Did _you_ ever kiss first? Did you get excited to see him after you hadn’t for a while? For the love of my _right_ boob, did you ever let him do more than kiss you? Did you ever want him to-“

            “Enough!” Eliza roared as much as she could, nearly on the verge of tears for many reasons.

            They both took a few deep breaths. Eliza closed her eyes, collected herself. “But it’s not like I have all of that with Maria, or any other female, for that matter.”

            “Well, duh,” Angelica retorted. “Some of those things actually take time. And you and Alex had _plenty_ of that. And you never felt the need to tell me anything about you two when you were dating. By contrast, you weren’t the one who always heard about how Maria’s hair was curled so nice, or how her dress matched her eyes so well, or how she had such a great singing voice that the room would go silent when she opened her mouth and how she really should sing more often, or how-“

            “Okay!” Eliza stopped her again, and groaned. “Oh my god. I am gay.”

            “Took you long enough.”

            “How long have you known?”

            “Since you were in eighth grade and you started singing all of Tony’s parts in West Side Story, but you sang the Mar- _ee_ -ahs as Mar- _eye_ -ahs.”

            “Oh my god.”

            Angelica clapped her hands. ”Wonderful. Now that you’ve had your sexual epiphany, we need to pick out your dress. I’ll order a pizza.”

 

            Friday was a blur. Eliza hadn’t had to go to any of her classes that day because she was in one of the singing Valentine groups that wandered around the school serenading people all day.

            That was probably a good thing, because Angelica’s visitation and revelation had distracted her from doing any of her homework.

            Eliza had a singing Valentine in nearly all of Maria’s classes, which was bad, because she kept glancing over at her while singing a jazz acapella version of  “Can’t Help Falling In Love,” and she was sure the other girl had noticed. John nudged her whenever he noticed her doing it, smoothly winking at her while belting out the chorus to the poor victim they were singing to.

            Eliza didn’t know why John knew, but since John’s main friendship circle was Maria, Alex, Eliza, and Angelica, she had a few suspicions.

            During one of their breaks, they sat side-by-side against the wall in the cafeteria, chugging water before the next class period started.

            Eliza couldn’t help herself. “How did you know you were gay?”

            John looked properly surprised, but recovered quickly. “Well, I mean, I sort of always _knew_ , I just… hadn’t always _noticed_ , I guess. And it’s not like anyone _told me_. It’s sort of something only you can really know, or decide.”

            “Huh,” Eliza considered. After thinking for a moment, she looked back at him and found him looking expectantly at her. “What?”

            “Do you have something you’d like to, uh… _come out_ and tell me?” he waggled his eyebrows as a gesture of encouragement.

            “What?! No! I mean, I might… I don’t… I guess… me… what,” she fumbled. John laughed.

            Eliza sighed, flustered. “Fine. I guess. I am gay, until further consideration.”

            John scoffed, but smiled. “Fair enough. Alex will be _thrilled_ to hear,” he told her while pulling out his phone, no doubt to tell Alex right that second.

            “Wait, no! Why are you telling Alex? I mean, we went out for two years. Shouldn’t I tell him… if I tell him at all…” she mumbled to finish.

            “Well, that would be sort of pointless, since he’s pretty much always known.”

            “What?”

            “Uh, _suspected_ might be the better word. That’s why he wanted to break up, mostly. He realized you didn’t love him like he loved you.”

            That was quite true.

            John was quiet for a bit while he typed on his phone. Hesitantly, he started, “So, you’re going to the dance with Maria…”

            “Yes, I am.”

            “She’s gay, too.”

            “ _Really?!_ I mean, she is?” Eliza caught herself belatedly, biting her lip, though both her and John pretended she hadn’t just confirmed everything.

            John nodded. “Yup.”

            “…”

            “… and was I imagining you making heart eyes at her all day, or…”

            “I was not.”

            “Okay.”

            “I wasn’t.”

            The bell rang, and John started to his feet. “Okay.”

            “I. WAS. NOT.”

            “Okaaaaaayyyy,” he said, taking off with the rest of their group down the hall, leaving her awkwardly running after him in her heels.

 

            _Oh god._

Maria couldn’t breathe.

            _Sweet. Baby. Jesus._

She was about to go out with Eliza Schuyler.

            She couldn’t tell if her heart was beating too fast or not at all.

            The clock on her nightstand blinked 6:38.

            She was picking Eliza up at seven.

            Her hair and makeup were done – curls as usual, but the front pulled out of her face, and nothing more than mascara and lipstick, also pretty typical. She didn’t want to overdo it, or look like she was trying too hard. Her dress was a nice rich red, not too dark, but almost pink. It was a cut in a medium V-neck with short, ruffled sleeves. It fell just above her knee, and did that spinny thing she liked.

            She hoped it wasn’t too much.

            **You:** johnjohnjohn ahg

            **John Laurens:** YOU GONNA BE FINE GIRLIE

            **John Laurens:** ITS GOING TO BE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER

            **John Laurens:** you will be fine. Alex and I will be there too if you need a major diversion to escape

            **You:** oh thanks I feel so much better now

            **John Laurens:** its what im here for

            **John Laurens:** go get em tiger

            **John Laurens:** OH OH OH WHATS YOUR DRESS LIKE

            **You:** [jpg.attachement]

            **John Laurens:** ahhhhhhhhh hot tamale

            **You:** see you soon

            **John Laurens:** see you ;)

            Maria sighed.

            6:47

            She shrugged on her jacket and went out to her car to pick Eliza up.

 

            6:57

            Maria would be here any minute.

            And Eliza was _nervous_. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this nervous about anything.

            And there was that whole getting used to being gay thing.

            But if it was like John said, she’d always been gay. So there shouldn’t be any getting used to.

            She supposed that she just had to get used to the noticing part.

            Eliza ran back up the stairs for the twentieth time, smoothing out her skirt as she did. She grabbed her purse, paced back and forth down the hall several times, thinking she kept forgetting something, before heading back down right as the doorbell rang.

            _Oh god_.

            Her steps stuttered as she made her way to the door, but made it she did.

            Maria smiled when Eliza opened the door for her, until she saw Eliza’s dress and her mouth made a perfect “o”.

            “Uh, wow, you look great,” she said, shifting her feet. “I mean, your dress is gorgeous.”

            Eliza nearly stuttered on her words now, trying to reply as she took in Maria. The other girl’s dress was a full red, almost purple, one of Eliza’s favorite colors, and it fit her seamlessly, coordinating with her slightly dark skin and her makeup flawlessly. Eliza wasn’t sure, but she thought she might be having minor trouble breathing.

            “So do you! I mean, your dress is just, wow… and thanks! Uh…” Eliza felt her face burn, but Maria either didn’t notice or was remarkably gracious when it came to Eliza helpless awkwardness.

            “Well, now that we’ve settled that we both look fabulous, shall we go?” Maria held out her arm in the direction of her car but still glanced at Eliza.

            Eliza, grateful for the change in topic, nodded. “We shall.”

 

            Eliza was confused, to say the least.

            Maria was so easy to talk to. Once she’d gotten over being tongue-tied and her nervousness subsided, it was like there was nothing between them that couldn’t be said. They laughed at all of each other’s sly comments, nodded and jumped in at the exactly right time, moved on from each topic or anecdote without a hitch. Eliza didn’t know why they hadn’t gotten together before.

            _But not like_ , get together, _get together_ , she clarified to herself. _Just talking. As friends. Gay friends. Going to a dance on a holiday that celebrates love, relationships, and commercialism_.

            Eliza’s head was a mess.

            And not much was straightened out by the time they arrived at the dance.

            As far as school dances went, Eliza had to say that the juniors did a pretty good job arranging it that year. It was a classic Valentine’s theme, with bright pink and red heart balloons lining the walls, heart shaped confetti scattered on the floor. They could easily hear the music from the entrance, a bubble-gum pop song that Eliza could only ever listen to when she was at big functions like this where the lyrics were supposed to be cheesy and the dancing was supposed to be bad.

            “You wanna go dance?” Maria asked her?

            Eliza was startled out of her admiration of the decorations, and nodded, even though she really wasn’t super crazy about dancing. “Yeah, sure.”

            Now that they had a nice banter going between them, whether it was complimenting one another’s hobbies, or teasing their siblings, or just discussing whatever they thought of, it was a lot more comfortable.

            _Not like it hadn’t been before_ , Eliza pointed out to herself. And that was true. But two days ago, Eliza hadn’t been gay.

            Well, she had, but-

            _Ugh_. The whole thing was too complicated for her to sort through for about the next decade, so she shoved it out of her head, focusing on Maria shrugging off her coat instead.

            Maybe that hadn’t been the best thing to focus on. Eliza hoped she wasn’t drooling.

            Luckily, or maybe unluckily, but lucky in that moment because she had a distraction, Alex and John found them.

            “Hey!” John ran up, Alex lagging behind, chewing thoughtfully on a Twizzler. “It’s nice to see you guys here. You going to dance?”

            Both girls nodded as Alex caught up with them, taking his place next to John. He smiled brightly. “Great. Us, too. Right, Alex?”

            Alex seemed distracted, but nodded fervently, smiling at John happily. It took him a minute to notice the girls were there. “Oh, hi, Eliza, hi, Maria. You guys look nice.”

            “Thanks,” they said in unison. John laughed, but lightly guided Maria’s arm to the gym, which of course meant Eliza and Alex followed in tow.

            John mumbled something to Maria, but Eliza didn’t hear much before Alex was saying something to her too.

            “So you came with Maria, huh?”

            Eliza tried to not groan out loud. “I did. I thought you already knew that.”

            “Oh I did.”

            “Then why are you asking me about it?”

            “Oh there was no questioning there. I was just pointing it out.” Somehow, he managed to wink, waggle his eyebrows, and make finger guns at her all at once as he walked away, John taking his hand as they went deeper into the crowd of people.

            Eliza must have been standing there dumbstruck, because she felt a couple people bump into her back before someone grabbed her wrist and pulled her out of the line of fire. Unsurprisingly, it was Maria.

            She laughed. “You okay? You look a little lost.”

            Eliza smiled shakily, laughing lightly. “I guess I am, just a little.”

            Maria laughed again, but began leading Eliza away, opposite where Alex and John had went, closer to the speakers.

            Somehow, while they were walking, Maria’s grip had shifted so that her and Eliza’s fingers were intertwined.

            Neither of them gave any indication that they minded.

            Dancing with people you hardly know always takes a while to warm up to. But once Eliza was warm, dare she say it, she was _hot_. Maria and her spun each other round and round until they were dizzy, still laughing as they stumbled to regain their balance. Every song was a good one, and every time Maria took Eliza’s hand, even if only for a moment, she felt the breath get knocked out of her and tingles shoot down her legs. She didn’t feel tired at all, until it finally hit her, and she nearly tripped over another girl’s long skirt.

            Maria caught her though, taking both of her hands and pulling her upright so they were face to face. The adrenaline that spiked when Eliza fell subsided, until she looked at Maria’s smiling eyes, and then she felt her chest squeeze again.

            Coincidentally, a slow song started up right then. Even more coincidental, it was ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’, which after yesterday Eliza thought she would be sick of for the rest of her life, but in that moment it fit perfectly, the melody settling in her body like the assurances of an old friend.

            Maria cocked her head just a bit, a question.

            Eliza’s answer was taking another step forward and holding Maria’s hands just a little tighter.

            They danced. Eliza wasn’t sure she breathed the whole time.

            She didn’t notice she had been softly singing along with the words until it ended and there were no more, and she pulled away ever so slightly.

            That took Maria out of her daze, and she let go of Eliza’s hands and stepped away, leaving Eliza cold.

            “I – I think I’m going to get a drink,” Maria told her over the opening beats of the next song.

            Eliza couldn’t even get a sound out before Maria was gone.

 

            Eliza’s anxiety thundered through her whole body with glee: she had screwed up! Something went wrong! Maria would hate her forever! Oh, glory day!

            Eliza didn’t want to seem clingy or something, so she hadn’t directly followed Maria as she left the gym, but after being stranded for half a song, Eliza felt too awkward and embarrassed to stay standing there. She went out and looked for Maria everywhere she could, feeling very stupid for reasons unknown.

            She found Maria eventually, after about four near-minor breakdowns. She was sitting alone at one of the tables in the cafeteria, at the “arts and crafts” station.

            Eliza approached cautiously, still very unsure of the whole situation, but she had to resolve it at some point.

            Eliza was glad to know that even after her gay crisis, her practicality was still intact.

            “Hey,” Eliza said, easing into a seat near Maria, one between them. “How’s it going?”

            Maria looked surprised to see Eliza, her cheeks flushing, only glancing at Eliza once or twice before focusing again on her drawing.

            “Oh, I’m just drawing,” she mumbled quietly. Eliza didn’t have the nerve to pretend to be mad for being ditched.

            “Mind if I join?” Maria nodded. Eliza settled into her seat, kicked off her heels, and pulled a paper and box of markers over too her, unsure how to start. She’d never been an artistic person, not in the drawing way. She had always been more musical. She supposed that was one of the reason she admired Maria; she could do it all.

            Eliza had just started the rays of a kindergartener-esque sun when Maria set down her blue pencil and took a deep breath.

            “Okay,” she began, and Eliza attention was instantly on her. “I feel very… strange right now, and I just have to say something, and I don’t need you to say anything, or even look at me, or anything. Just, listen, I guess.”

            “Yeah, okay,” Eliza told her, slightly confused. Unsure of where to focus her eyes, she settled on the corner of Maria’s drawing.

            “Okay,” Maria started, staring straight down at the table. “Well, first of all, I feel really bad about leaving you in the dust back there just now. I really don’t know why I did it, and for the moment, I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen because otherwise I won’t be able to go on. But like I said, I’m sorry.” She paused, and as directed, Eliza said nothing. “Okay, so, first of all, I’m very, very, _very_ happy that you agreed to come with me tonight. I really like talking to you, and spending time with you, and really, it’s been great. But… if, I don’t know. If we’re going to go any further, you really probably deserve to know that I’ve sort of had a crush on you since second grade, and I’ve never been able to get over it. That probably makes me seem stupid or creepy or, I don’t know, ten thousand other things, but that’s what happened. I can’t go back and change all of that, and I don’t know if I should be wishing I could or not. I just, I guess, you should know that. And if that makes you want to leave or something, just go ahead, because I’d rather you do that then try to pretend to be nice to me. Whatever you think of me now, I can take it.” She left the end light, unsure, as if she were about to add _I think_ but her breath was caught.

            Eliza’s was, too. She didn’t know what to say. “Oh,” was all she could muster.

            Maria sighed and closed her eyes tight, like she might start crying.

            “No, no!” Eliza tried to stop that from happening. “Wait, I mean… okay,” she breathed slowly before trying to speak her flimsy thoughts. “I don’t want to go away and I don’t want _you_ to go away either. I guess I’m asking you to hear _me_ out now. Is that okay?”

            Maria gave the tiniest nod.

            “Okay. Well, I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, too. I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever had such… _ugh_ , for lack of a better word, _good_ conversations with anyone. And I admit I was just a bit… _skeptical_ of you inviting me here, but I was still really excited, and I was _nervous_ in a way I haven’t been nervous in maybe forever. I’m just… _I’m_ flustered because I guess I sort of just figured out that I’m gay like, _yesterday_ maybe? And I still haven’t come to terms with it because, I guess I just feel very dumb about it all. But I’m very happy to be here right now, and I agree, we should just… let go of any and all awkwardness, I guess.”

            Maria said nothing, but her eyes were open now, her lips slightly parted.

            Eliza tried to meet her eyes, but Maria didn’t budge. “You’ve really had a crush on me for ten _years_?”

            Maria jumped, caught off guard by Eliza’s question. After a beat of consideration, she glanced at Eliza briefly before covering her face with her hands. Eliza freaked out for a moment, thinking she’d started sobbing, but soon realized she was just laughing.

            “It’s ridiculous, isn’t it!” Maria cackled, and Eliza couldn’t help giggling at the other girl’s hysteria. “I’m pathetic, I know.”

            “No! I think it’s sort of endearing actually,” Eliza assured her, struck by how beautiful Maria really was when she finally met Eliza’s eyes, with traces of laughed still brightening her face.  

            After a moment – a blissful, lovely moment – of gazing into each other’s eyes, Eliza threw up her hands.

            “Well, I think we cleared everything up. I like you, you like me. How about we just enjoy ourselves now?”

            Maria seemed shocked, but managed to compose herself, smiling hugely. “Yeah, I think that would be a good idea.”

           

            John had wondered where Maria and Eliza had gone off to. He hadn’t seen them in the gym for maybe an hour. Now he and Alex were scouting around the school, making sure things hadn’t ended in disaster or death. Those were the worst possibilities, but he was concerned for Maria’s feelings, too. He felt obligated, as the initiator of this, to make sure things were going alright.

            “Have you seen them?” he asked Alex hopelessly, unable to find the girls anywhere. Glancing over at his boyfriend, he couldn’t say Alex was been very attentive to their search as much as he was to a huge heart shape cookie he’d gotten from the concessions booth.

            John stopped in his tracks. “Why, whenever I turn around, are you _always_ eating?”

            Alex merely shrugged. “I have a sweet tooth.”

            “Uuuhhhhggg,” John shuffled to the cafeteria, ready to throw himself on a table in defeat, when he saw a reassuring sight.

            Eliza and Maria sat next to each other at one of the coloring tables, so close they were probably sharing a seat. They’d taken their shoes off and their feet were tangled together under the table. They laughed loudly as they scribbled happily. It was so beautiful, John nearly had tears in his eyes.

            “Alright, we found them. Can we go back-“

            “Shh, let me admire my success.”

            “Your what?”

            “Oh, please. They would have never gotten together if it hadn’t been for my nudge in the right direction.”

            Alex studied the scene with John. He sighed, conceding. “Damn, you are good. Did you nudge me in the right direction when you roped me into dating you, too?”

            John laughed, wrapping an arm around Alex’s back. “I sure hope so.”


End file.
